im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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