He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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