I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
We are two peas in an std pod
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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