You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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