My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
