Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
