The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
