U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
never play flip cup with pint glasses
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
