you turned your livingroom into a bong?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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