This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
