you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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