If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
