just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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