mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
