Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
