You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
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I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
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I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
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