The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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