i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
