The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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