Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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