she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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