I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
