i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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