I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
