Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
