Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Randomize
