i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
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This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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