I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
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stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
that is very illegal...i love you.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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