I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
