I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
