AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
