I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Randomize
