You just made me feel so damn special
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
