I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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