The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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