Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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