we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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