her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
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my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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