names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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