Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
