I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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