at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
