He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
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They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
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Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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