All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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