There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
