Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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