I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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