Yeah....I really appreciate it....I didn't even get it from hooking up....lame, atleast if a girl gets u sick when u r hooking up it was fun in its inception...
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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