I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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