Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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