She is in my trunk
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
