I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
