my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
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Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
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Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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