you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My vagina just recognized that song.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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