You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
