First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
