i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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